Hi There

catching my depression loop - I just caught myself saying this back to myself in my head: "so you've decided to stay home and pity yourself and wallow in your depression over going to X with X and having fun... the fact that I haven't really eaten well in two days doesn't help. I feel dizzy just typing this and the thc doesn't help. Today I got mad because the lettuce in the fridge expires and I was really looking forward to eating a sandwich... also what my mom made for dinner was not particularly appteizing when I already barely have one. I notice I like bland, basic foods when I'm depressed - like pbh, turkey sandwiches, any sandwich, eggs - mostly fried eggs over noodles, -- other comfort meals are sweets (chocolate & chips), pepsi, hamburgers -- these foods may seem sad but they don't taste sad. They are so healing. I really don't forsee myself waking up in a good mood... Oh, my fucking live scan came back with a typo and hiring couldn't process it... I have to go allll the way back to X to get it redone. Does it even fucking matter where you go? Could I just go to the X location? Toay I had four shots of espresso and unregulated is not the move for me... I wanted more energy in my day and I need to figure out how to get more of it to power through life... Exercise is something I want to build back into my daily routine, possibly rejoining my X team as well. Fuck X. This dynamic seems to pendulate between the two - love and hate. And by dynamic, I'm referring to the inner dialogues I have about X in my mind. My mind seems scared of settling in the center with X. Almost like it's difficult, however I saw it play out beautifully in a very vivid dream I can still recall. I feel like returning to school may be the right path. All things line up, all things come in time. Working towards them to speed up the timelines.